I'm only Human

 I think everyone has those moments of sadness and depression over there bodies especially as a plus size women in a world where plus size isn't truly accepted yet. I remember when I had my sister take these in my bedroom so many months ago and I remember being so happy and giddy that I was showing off my body in such a way.I couldn't wait to post them and make some status about how plus size bodies were hot and rocking and all those other empowering terms we as plus size women use. But I never posted it,I honestly couldn't It was like afterwards, I just lost my way,I started fat shaming myself and was truly feeling so unhappy about my body and my health. I slowly stopped blogging and posting photos of myself in ways that screamed I'M PLUS SIZE. I'm ashamed that I feel ashamed about my body. Here I was empowering women to love themselves when all the sudden I couldn't look at myself in the mirror anymore.

 

I stumbled across these photos today and felt like I should explain myself. I for some reason just can't bring myself to love my body anymore. I'm overweight by at least 100 pounds I'm unhappy,I'm hot,and I have health issues,my feet are so swollen ninety percent of the time the only shoes that will fit me are toms and they are a size to big but there the only thing that fits. My addiction to food is just ridiculous and sad I shouldn't need it when I'm sad or happy or for anything other than giving me nourishment. Head hunger IS REAL GALS and It's a bitch,I feel like a bottomless pit just eating and eating and eating with no end in sight! There's day's where my body never gets that full feeling I literally have day's where eating never gets me to that full place that it needs to be. Then I have day's where I'm full and still stuffing it in. It's a battle people don't ever think it's not, physically I can be saying I will not eat this but mentally my mind is screaming at me to eat it and sometimes no matter how hard you try it just won't go away in till you eat whatever it i.

I understand that eating clean, healthy whole foods will eventually help me to get rid of the sugar cravings and I do try and I am trying to eat clean. It's a process though and I will fail a million times before I stand up,but when I do I know that I'm going to succeed and be happy with myself.

 

So while I started this blog to empower plus size women and to love my body I'm sorry to say it won't be continuing to be like that. I don't love my body I just don't I'm sure every plus size girl out there is cursing me and that's cool. I'm not saying It's not ok to be plus size,but I'm NOT OK being unhealthy and plus size. Let's face it I want to be HOT,I'm 21 years old I don't want to be tired and emotionally unraveled because food controls me. I want that healthy lifestyle,I want to be that girl in the gym and on the street running,I want to wear bikinis that are itty bitty and I want to wear short shorts and parade my body around the house KNOWING and FEELING good about myself. That's all I want I want to feel good about myself.

So with that being said I'm starting over,I'm going to eat clean and I'm going to learn how to make it into a lifestyle,so that I CAN be who I want to be and not be controlled by food and by my self image. I no longer want to be held back by my weight and by my mind. I will fail I can tell you that much I know I'm going to,I hope that with support and help and this blog and followers that I will be able to succeed and find a happier healthier me!